There seems to be a strange phenomenon that to be happy with our “new” life choices or relationships, we somehow have to keep tabs on the previous situation or relationship – like a temperature check just to make sure we are “winning.” Congrats to anyone who has that kind of time – I have important grown-up shit to do.
However, I couldn’t let my 45th birthday go by without addressing some common misconceptions “some people” may have about me now that I’ve reached this milestone in my life. I am sorry to disappoint them…but I’m doing all right.
It took me a long time to get here; I struggled for many years to break myself out of the cycle that my entire worth was dependent upon someone else’s approval. It’s been glorious to discover the peace and self-satisfaction that comes from not caring about that anymore. I don’t actively obsess over past relationships, I don’t wish for those people’s demise, and I don’t wish them well – honestly, unless thrown in my path, I don’t even give them a second thought. That’s not bitter, that’s not regretful – that’s maturity and self-love. The truth is it never matters what anyone else thinks of you, and no one else will ever be able to love you the way you should love yourself.
I don’t have any regrets. I understand I have hurt people, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not. I did what I had to do at the time for my own survival – and I am not sorry for that. As we mature and go through these life experiences we adjust, we learn how to survive without having to hurt others – sometimes we aren’t always successful. I’ll also never be sorry for loving someone (even if I wasn’t perfect) and I sure won’t be embarrassed by it. Sorry to disappoint.
I love the saying, “You can’t miss a place you’ve never been.” I am 45 years old and have never had a child, that’s just a fact. I’m betting some people reading that will add a tinge of “regret” to that statement. That’s THEM – it’s not ME. Allow me to explain:
I love children. I played with dolls when I was a kid (not saying that means all kids who play with dolls have kids….). I do not love bad parents, but that’s another article. I always wanted kids, but I also wanted a career. I’m not talking about a regular type of job either, I wanted to be an actress and moved to Hollywood when I was 19 with my parents so I could pursue it. For that reason, it was never a real priority for me – diapers and staying at home to do seasonal crafts wasn’t in the cards when working 18-hour days on set.
By the time that career path died down and my long-term relationship had turned into a marriage, I made a choice to not have a child. Let me say that again – I CHOSE to NOT have a child. My reasons for this were simple; although I made the decision to stay in the relationship I was not going to raise a child with someone who didn’t value me, whose family and even some of our friends didn’t respect or feel I was worthy of him (among other things). I did not regret that decision then, and in hindsight I don’t regret it now – it was one of the smartest choices I ever made, and I would do it again.
A few years after that relationship ended – I did meet the only man I ever wanted to have a child with – and mother nature didn’t exactly cooperate for us! However – the daughter of the man I love (and his former wife) is a fierce beauty, strong and smart (sassy). She’s beautiful inside and out – and she looks exactly like him. It warms my heart that her sweet spirit and energy exists, and I look forward to many more fun adventures with her over my lifetime!
And you know what else? I like her mother. That’s right, my man’s “ex” is an awesome woman. I have nothing but serious respect for her as a working mother – I am in awe of these two people that raised such an amazing person with respect for each other, humor (wicked funny humor), and affection. Maturity.
Best meme I saw recently is “The best sign of a good relationship is no sign of it on FB.” I must admit, my man has really turned my head around about this concept of keeping personal stuff off FB. As a writer and a smart ass, that’s a tall order for me. But I must admit there is something special about saving our private details for just us and not spewing on FB to get likes and validation. I am not against the awesome love and support couples show each other on FB, please, it’s adorable.
In fact – here is a rare rave about my man: He’s a genuine person – I don’t just love him, I LIKE him. What you see is what you get – I have NEVER heard him say a bad word about ANYONE behind their back – EVER. I know the respect he shows me continues even when I am not in the room, even if I am not in the state! He will never act one way to your face and secretly feel another way about you (that was my life for YEARS) and it wasn’t until I met him that I had finally fallen for someone who was real. His dedication to his daughter, family, and friends (veterans) is astounding and limitless – despite his own battles as a combat veteran. They don’t make men much better than him; I am his 100% and I am truly blessed.
Back to my point, there are serious manipulations and deceit going on social media to try and make people feel bad about themselves and it just sickens me. Insinuations that if one doesn’t have children and perhaps rescues cats instead, they are “sad, regretful and bitter.” That is why I agree there is something to this approach about life in general also – I do love sharing with my close friends and family special things going on in my life, but I also like keeping some details for just us – or just me! Bottom line, if you are using my FB page to try to gauge my relationship status, you’re going to be wasting even more of your time. I can simplify it for you – I’m happy.
We choose who we are every day. I choose to live my life simply and with intent. I choose to love and support the genuine people in my life. I choose to try to be the kind of person that helps others, that takes the path less traveled, that will choose “right” vs “easy” – and just always, always be genuine. So if there is anyone out there that truthfully wishes me well – I thank you and I am. To the ones who were hoping for a different reply, I’m sorry to disappoint.